But, before I can ever get there. I have to move all of my stuff. Which I hate. Mostly, because, as I realized, I have SO MUCH stuff! The more closets and drawers I opened, the more STUFF I found. Stuff that I've had for years and years. Stuff that is completely meaningless. Stuff that I've never used. Stuff I know, if I'm honest with myself, I will never use. I mean I found assignments and class schedules from high school, most of my textbooks from undergrad, and every single grad school assignment. When I first packed my books up, I had 10 boxes of them. (And that was after I'd already brought two 40-volume commentary sets to work). Guess how many of those I had actually read? Probably 2 boxes.
So why do I keep all of this stuff?
Well, the short answer is I don't know. It's complicated.
The long answer is I have all of these reasons which are not entirely based on logic. I have all of these unhealthy attachments to items- books, pictures, even homework assignments. I say that someday I may have need of this stuff. I may be able to use it when I get a bigger apartment or house. Or I may need a book when I teach some kind of class. Or when I go back to school. Or if for some reason I'm bored with nothing else to do I might read them, or use the other stuff. Or what if there's something the Lord wants to eventually teach me through this stuff? Or- and this one I noticed was extremely common- this [insert item] reminds me of this time or season in my life. It was a really great, yet terrible season, filled with people who I loved but aren't that close to me anymore for you-name-it reason and if I throw this away it's like forgetting about that season. Or it's like admitting that season is over and isn't going to come back. And there's a part of me that wants to go back to that season.
Something like that.
And through all of that, I realized that behind most of my reasons is fear. Fear of not having enough. Fear of loss. Fear of forgetting the past, or never getting to the future that the Lord has promised. Fear of facing the present in its entirety.
And behind all of that fear, it became clear that keeping all of that stuff I keep holding onto is a barrier to trusting the Lord and to clinging to Him despite the circumstances around me.
So, I got rid of a BUNCH of it.
In fact, I got rid of so much stuff that now everything I own fits into my living room (around 300 square feet). I was joking that I should just move into one of those "tiny houses" instead of my new apartment. :)
And in all reality, it feels good to let go.